All, 

The issue of setting proper boundaries has come up a few times in the last month. Last week we announced a ban on any new Teams confederation with clients for example. We’re also reviewing everything already in place. 

My view on boundary setting while working in a high pressure role in my 50s is that setting appropriate boundaries is essential if you want to avoid death by cancer before 60 [substitute any other common cardiovascular disease]. For those of you many decades earlier on the journey, in the modern world setting boundaries might be the key to avoiding “mental health” issues and spending the last 60 years of your life on antidepressants and the follow on prescription drugs that manage the side effects of the antidepressants. 

I’m selfish enough not to want to die young. I’ve also a two year old I need to see graduate in twenty years. To a certain extent having kids later in life doesn’t so much keep you young as force you to stay young. Sense of responsibility to other little humans. 

My recommendation for young people is to be selfish enough not end up drugged and generating recurring revenue for a Pharma company for the rest of your life. Paying for some sales rep’s Ferrari. 

Boundaries

So what is a boundary? 

My definition after reading a lot of literature: a boundary is simply any line of defence that prevents other people, or nowadays all the big AIs in the sky from reaching into your world and making you stressed and anxious beyond healthy levels. 

Unpacking this, the most critical part is perhaps “stressed and anxious beyond healthy levels.” In one sense emotional stress is no different that the stress on the system introduced by exercise. 

Taking deadlifts, almost anyone can progress to a 2x to 2.5x bodyweight deadlift over a couple of years of slow progression with cycling intensity and recovery. The last time i focussed on the deadlift was back in 2020. I’d a set of injuries I hadn’t addressed after surgery in 2016. Things we so bad I started with 0.5x bodyweight singles, first adding weight each week, then monthly. He presto, 9 months later I’d processed from cripple back to 2x bodyweight. The power of small doses of stress with proper recovery in a controlled way. Easy and often. 

Applying some stress to the system can build phenomenal resilience in time. Cycles of healthy stress and recovery can yield phenomenal results.

Most people believe that pressure piling on leads to burnout. My take is slightly different having managed burnout myself and worked with hundreds of people over the years. People tend to get in trouble when they loose control of the ability to pace themselves, and in particular schedule regular recovery time. Drilling in further, it often boils down to one simple data point, are you sleeping well? [sleep is the most fundamental building block of physical and mental recovery for humans] 

Top traders and hedge fund managers have a term for this, “the sleeping point”. As in trim your positions back to the sleeping point. 

The challenge in the modern world is that there are lots of ways things can poke into your life and mess with your sleep. Modern phones emit blue light which acts to prevent sleep if you look at the screen. Notifications can pop in 24×7 to jolt your attention. Social media algorithms are designed to harvest engagement, keep you “doom” scrolling, spike cortisol levels, drive anxiety and outrage. The AI in the sky fundamentally acts to control your attention, keep you anxious and on edge, undermine sleep and recovery. 

Everyone has a different tolerance for all of this but everyone needs to be aware of it. 

Speaking personally, I’ve had a hard rule for about 10 years that I never bring electronics upstairs. Keep the AI in the sky out of my sleeping space. This does two things. First it sets a boundary. Second it underlines personal autonomy by demonstrating that you have control of the situation and have the mental fortitude to turn the phone off. You learn to set a boundary. 

Simple work related boundaries 

I’ve set up quite a few work related boundaries over the years. For example: 

1) I haven’t had work email on my phone since 2008. It means I need to sit down at a laptop in a controlled way to process and consume incoming email. Hotspot if necessary. 

2) Outside of P1 bridges, which are what they are, I’ve only done one work related phone call on a weekend since 2012 (since i had kids). SDS is far in the rear view mirror thankfully. 

3) I’ve all notifications turned off, so even while on the laptop only look at Teams when I decide to look at Teams. Torture machine. I was an avid AOL messenger user back in the day, but turned off notifications in 2006. 

4) I generally only respond to text messages or WhatsApp from four people: my wife, Kieran, my brother and on rare occasions Tim. 

5) I went 10 years with just two work phone calls when on holiday. One dealing with a legendary client Analyst in Tokyo. That rule got busted during the dragged out PE process in 2022-3.. reflective of how that PE firm culture viewed family space. 

6) Anyone who over hassles me for anything (I’ve several dozen inbound issues to juggle a day) goes to the back of the queue. Most folks figure this out and adjust their behaviour. Those that don’t get to go and work somewhere else. 

Bear in mind the inferences of these rules. For example, I’ve never called a team member on a weekend either. Just rude, invading family space. 

Also, I work very hard to make sure not to reach into the personal space of team members when on holiday, etc. People can leave a lot of loose ends while heading off. Only the best managers do high quality handovers. It takes some discipline not to reach out unless it’s absolutely necessary and can’t wait. 

Note, I’m far from perfect, my wife and kids would argue there is a lot of room for improvement. They’re right. 

All of this isn’t about being virtuous or perfect, it’s about setting hard and fast boundaries that allow you to manage the pressure in the long term, in particular by being disciplined around creating and defending recovery space in your routine. They are also reflective about being in “control” of the situation, rather than batted from pillar or post. 

Most important, taking control is something you need to do for yourself. That is how control works. 

Toxic behaviour

Toxic people and contexts can make it difficult or impossible to set boundaries. Watch out for them. 

Toxic behaviour refers to when someone or something repeatedly pops into you life at an inappropriate moment and dumps some stress, messes with your personal time, makes you uncomfortable, and you end up getting nothing done, anxious or stressed, then a lousy nights sleep. Repeatedly. 

The challenge with the modern world is that we now have notifications and the AI in the sky trying to do that 24×7. Pre-2005 it was the drama queen friend or family member who’d call, rant for an hour to offload stress, then head off feeling better while your were climbing the walls with no-one to pass the [stress] parcel to. Very often this person knows exactly what they’re doing and sleeps well themselves. Dumping drama on people is often a deliberate power play. Caller ID was a godsend. 

In the work scenario managers can torture team members by calling or texting (now WhatsApp) for frivolous reasons out of hours; dumping work on a Friday evening that must be completed by Monday morning; scheduling conference cals when you’re on holiday, etc. Think of the analyst culture in an investment bank. Some of the managers involved are basically evil, and get a buzz from messing with people. Some, especially in tech just don’t grasp personal boundaries. 

From time to time we’ve had to deal with toxic team members who had it in for the manager and directed the torture machine upwards. Over the years I’ve had the [learning experience] pleasure of dealing with one team member who tried to extort equity from my while my mum was in hospital on her death bed [she recovered, he didn’t]; another CXO who resigned twice on the first day of my family holiday to create maximum disruption; and a business partner who scheduled a blind auction to steal a company from me on my wedding day. The wedding present he sent is still hanging in the conference room in the Botanic office as a reminder of what people are capable off. 

It can be the same with customers. For a few years back in the day at a previous company I was on the hook for overnight support. The support line diverted to my apartment land line. Only one person ever called, a dev opps engineer from one of the investment banks. It was always a dumb question that could have waited to the morning. He was a nerdy guy who didn’t get boundaries, and didn’t seem to sleep much himself. 

If you ever feel you’re struggling to set boundaries due to issues with a manager, team member, or a customer and it’s becoming a problem let us know. 

Email 

A quick word on email. The key thing to remember about email is that generally you don’t have to respond straight away. Most productivity experts recommend people respond to emails in batches once or twice a day. My take is that you should be sensitive to what works for you and don’t get sucked into reacting immediately to emails that can wait to your scheduled response window. 

Managed properly email is a much less invasive medium. 

Common sense does need to be applied if the email alerts us to a specific client issue, outage, etc. 

I work through emails a few times a day, 365 days a year. Doing a sweep so I know nothing that needs immediate attention is hanging out there actually helps me sleep. 

Don’t hesitate to reach out if you’ve any questions. 

Hope this helps. 

Cheers,

Danny 

— 

Recommended reading for the hard core. I’ve never known anyone to finish “when the body says no”, brutal reality check. Most people get the message after a few chapters. 

1) When the body says no – the cost of hidden stress, Gabor Mate (https://drgabormate.com/book/when-the-body-says-no/)

2) Lost connections, Johann Hari. (https://www.waterstones.com/book/lost-connections/johann-hari/9781408878729)